All I Want For Christmas Is Time…And Of Course My Two Front Teeth!!

It’s that time of the year again: Tax time!! Wait, that’s still a couple months away. Thank the Lord!! Oh that’s right, it’s the time of the year when people ask you the most outrageous question ever spoken in December, “What do you want for Christmas?”

My first reactions are: “My two front teeth.” “World Peace.” “Crap, I have to get you something too?!”

I’ve come to dislike this question. I never know what to say. Mainly because I don’t know. I mean, the things I do want, probably not even Santa himself could make happen. Unless he could get the Kardashians, the orange people from Jersey Shore and the Twilight saga to go off into the distance, far, far away from our lives, never to be heard from again… Yeah, I didn’t think so either.

However this year, this question really got me thinking. What do I really want? And then it hit me!!… Actually I walked into a door, because apparently when I’m thinking hard, I’m not paying attention to what I’m doing. But that’s neither here nor there. Back to the point at hand. I want time.

Yep, that’s right, I want time. Not time travel. Although that would be totally awesome. — If you couldn’t tell, I’m a total Trekkie. Live long and prosper. And geek out!! — But really, I want time!! Not additional time to my life — But God, if you are listening: Hint, Hint!! — No, I want time with friends and family. That’s what I really want for Christmas.

Because if you think about it, time is the most precious gift anyone could ever give another person. We have such a limited supply of it, whether we want to admit it or not. There’s a reason we say, “I want to SPEND time with you.” And it’s a gift that can never be returned or refunded. Unless you go to Walmart. They take back anything. No receipt required. But that’s beside the point.

The thing about time with friends and family is you are creating memories. I couldn’t tell you half the things I got for Christmas as a kid. But I can tell you about the one Christmas when I was around 5 and I got a toy microphone and guitar set, which prompted me to “perform” for my family. I was a cross between John Meyer, Kanya West and Michael Bublé, if I do say so myself. One of the songs I performed, was one that I made up with only two lines, over and over again (Literally and annoyingly a thousand times): “Rudolph, where are you? Did you lost your way?” And my grandfather was heckling me the entire time. Seriously, if he had a toy tomato, he would have thrown it at me. Lovingly of course. Everyone wanted me to sing “Pretty Woman.” Because of course, that was my favorite film/song as a child. (Yes, there is video of this whole thing, as I’m reminded of it every year by “former” family members. No, you will never see it.)

I remember another Christmas, Santa having a thick accent, because my parents got our neighbor to dress up as him and bring all the presents. I remember thinking it was odd that Santa didn’t speak the way Tim Allen did in the movies. But I couldn’t tell you what the presents were in the bag. I also remember the time my grandma read me the “Silent Night” book for the first time and how much I loved listening to that song. I remember the special moments. Not the gifts.

Yes, time is what I want for Christmas. I want to laugh, listen to embarrassing stories, play games and just talk for hours on end. And if it so happens that I do get money or gift cards — Hint, Hint!! — I want to go on a shopping spree with friends that also get money or gift cards. Because what is more fun than going to the mall with friends and acting completely crazy and carefree? Nothing good sir or ma’am. Nothing.

So Santa, if you are reading this from the North Pole — Yes, Santa, does have the interweb. And he has a Mac. Sorry PC. — I want time for Christmas. That’s what I truly want…So don’t ask again!!

So in the comments below, I’m gonna ask you the most outrageous question ever spoken in December, so that you can let me know what YOU want for Christmas!!… See what I just did there? If you don’t say “time” too, you’re gonna look like a jerk. Yeah, I’m just evil like that.

Merry Christmas, to all and to all a goodnight!!

P.S. 1: If I saw a reindeer with a noise so bright, blinking red, I would run in the opposite direction, calling the hazmat team, because that reindeer be radioactive!!… That’s where Rudolph went. He was taken to the radiation unit at the nearest hospital!! I mean, come on!! Let’s pet Rudolph, the Radio-Active Reindeer!! People be crazy!!

P.S. 2: It’s CHRISTmas. Not Xmas. And what I want from God for Christmas is the strength not to slap a fool that writes it!!

P.S. 3: “Dear Lord baby Jesus, lyin’ there in your ghost manger, just lookin’ at your Baby Einstein developmental videos, learnin’ ’bout shapes and colors. I would like to thank you for bringin’ me and my [family] together, and also that my kids no longer sound like gang-bangers.” – Ricky Bobby, Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby

P.S. 4: Who am I kidding? Forget time with friends and family!! I want an iPad!!